Everything I have done in life has about not repeating the past. I come from a dysfunctional family who inflicts pain like most people give hugs. Every breath I take is about not repeating what I saw, what I felt and what I lived with every day of my life until I turned 18.
So, how is it I am finding myself in the same shoes as my mother. Let me rephrase - not the exact same shoes but I am looking at those shoes and I am definitely thinking they are starting to look like hers. What is so frustrating is up until now I have been shopping in a totally different store and wearing a totally different look.
I married a wonderful man who has never laid a hand on me or my children - which would be the exact polar opposite of the man my mother married. I have a well adjusted child who has never experienced pain and suffering life I did growing up. I love my life and the people I've surrounded myself with.
Now you are reading this going how is she wearing the same shoes? How could they even look similar to her mom's? Has she lost her mind - or maybe just her perspective?
Looking at this, I know my path has been 100 miles away from my mom's shoe store! However there is just one thing - one tiny thing that I have NO control over - but the one thing that makes me feel like I walked out of my closet and stepped into hers.
I watched Rheumatoid Arthritis destroy my mother along with all the other dysfunction she lived with. I was so focused on the dysfunction in my life or rather keeping the dysfunction away that I forgot to watch around the corner for the genetic diseases that lurk in our family. So now I am standing here wondering how could I work so hard on not being my mother but now I am staring at her face in the mirror?
My new goal in mind is to figure out how to fight my AS disease and not let it destroy me like it did my mom. With that in mind I think I am going to take these shoes off and give them away - I am not her and I do not shop where she shopped. I am stronger and walking farther to get to a better shoe store will be hard but worth it!
That being said please know that I love my mom with my whole heart and miss her every day. I think she did the best she could with what she was handed. However just because I love her doesn't mean I have to live the same life.
Well I am off to find a new store! I'll be back soon to show you my new shoes!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Contemplating your life...
On an average day my pain level doesn't go below a five, if I eat 1000 calories I am lucky and no I am not complaining - just stating facts. As you know I have Celiac and AS but along with that recently I've started having new medical issues. No doctor seems to know what is going on and the latest thing I was told was that I may have tumors in my liver. "Most likely they are benign" is what I am told.
I just take one day at a time. I have a lot more doctors to see and a lot more "mmm I am just not sure what is causing the pain" to go so I am trying not to freak out or anything. However yesterday was one of those days that every song, every comment, every thing that happened just makes you contemplate what you are doing with your life and why you are doing it. Especially when my health is in question.
It hit me that one year from now my mom and I will be the same age as when she took her life. It hit me that I cannot even imagine what life will be like after 39. Then it hit me the doctors told me I have tumors in my liver - TUMORS! I know what they said but it sort of freaked me out! So everything I looked at, everything I thought and everything I did went through analysis.
Simple things like - How could I have lived here for 3 years and never gone down that street that is less than a 1/2 mile from my house? How can I wave at my neighbors everyday and not know their name?
Then I moved on to things like.. The people in my life - are they toxic to me and my life or my greatest supporters? Do I treat people the best that I can everyday? If I died tomorrow would someone remember me with a smile or with anger?
Then I started wondering... Have I done anything meaningful with my life? If I was gone tomorrow have I done what God called me to do? Will the people around me be left with something to remember me by besides my material possessions?
After these thoughts hitting me over and over again I came to one conclusion... and when I did I curled up in bed and sobbed. Literally sobbed. I am afraid that looking back on my last 37 years I haven't done near what I should have. That if today was the last breath I would draw then it would be a disappointing sigh.
Sobbing doesn't solve the problem though. What I can say is that after yesterday my outlook has changed. I've made decisions I have been toying with for years and I am not going to keep letting life pass me by while I wait for the right time to act.
I can honestly say I do not regret a moment I spent as a mom or a wife. I feel like I've done exactly what I was suppose to do for both of those roles if not more. I also know that I am going to spend the rest of my life being the best mom I can be. I am also going to keep working on our marriage because all the work we've put into this love has paid off and I never want to lose what we have. This part of my life is not sob worthy so I will keep on keeping on.
However personally I feel like there is a lot to do! I have a lot of decisions to make on career choices, friend choices and most of all figuring out what God is calling me to do.
Today though - I have realized I have to focus on healing. I have to remember that everyone gets knocked down but it's how fast you get back up and what you do when you are standing again.
Contemplating my life has been life changing - and even if you are in perfect health I would recommend you look at the world for one day as though you weren't.
I just take one day at a time. I have a lot more doctors to see and a lot more "mmm I am just not sure what is causing the pain" to go so I am trying not to freak out or anything. However yesterday was one of those days that every song, every comment, every thing that happened just makes you contemplate what you are doing with your life and why you are doing it. Especially when my health is in question.
It hit me that one year from now my mom and I will be the same age as when she took her life. It hit me that I cannot even imagine what life will be like after 39. Then it hit me the doctors told me I have tumors in my liver - TUMORS! I know what they said but it sort of freaked me out! So everything I looked at, everything I thought and everything I did went through analysis.
Simple things like - How could I have lived here for 3 years and never gone down that street that is less than a 1/2 mile from my house? How can I wave at my neighbors everyday and not know their name?
Then I moved on to things like.. The people in my life - are they toxic to me and my life or my greatest supporters? Do I treat people the best that I can everyday? If I died tomorrow would someone remember me with a smile or with anger?
Then I started wondering... Have I done anything meaningful with my life? If I was gone tomorrow have I done what God called me to do? Will the people around me be left with something to remember me by besides my material possessions?
After these thoughts hitting me over and over again I came to one conclusion... and when I did I curled up in bed and sobbed. Literally sobbed. I am afraid that looking back on my last 37 years I haven't done near what I should have. That if today was the last breath I would draw then it would be a disappointing sigh.
Sobbing doesn't solve the problem though. What I can say is that after yesterday my outlook has changed. I've made decisions I have been toying with for years and I am not going to keep letting life pass me by while I wait for the right time to act.
I can honestly say I do not regret a moment I spent as a mom or a wife. I feel like I've done exactly what I was suppose to do for both of those roles if not more. I also know that I am going to spend the rest of my life being the best mom I can be. I am also going to keep working on our marriage because all the work we've put into this love has paid off and I never want to lose what we have. This part of my life is not sob worthy so I will keep on keeping on.
However personally I feel like there is a lot to do! I have a lot of decisions to make on career choices, friend choices and most of all figuring out what God is calling me to do.
Today though - I have realized I have to focus on healing. I have to remember that everyone gets knocked down but it's how fast you get back up and what you do when you are standing again.
Contemplating my life has been life changing - and even if you are in perfect health I would recommend you look at the world for one day as though you weren't.
Dear Dad
Dad,
You will not know who I am today. You will not know anyone in fact - you haven't for a while now. However I needed to write this letter. I needed to tell you somehow just how much you mean to me. I can call you right now and talk to you and say the things I am going to say here - but you won't know why I am telling you this or even remember it in a few hours. So I guess I am hoping that by putting my feelings here - out in the world - somehow cosmically you will feel the love I have wrap around you and hold you awhile and somehow comfort you in that strange world you've found yourself in.
Funny though that I write this letter to you and not my father by blood. See you are not my biological dad, you are not my step dad, heck you are not even my adoptive dad. You are the "dad" I acquired when I married your wonderful son. You and mom took me in when I was 17 years old. At a time when no one else wanted me or could even tolerate me. You and mom looked at me and didn't see a kid with troubles, a kid with anger issues, a kid who wasn't worth dealing with anymore. No you looked at me and knew I could be saved - and save me you did.
I will forever be grateful to you and mom for taking me in - because I believe with my whole heart it saved my life. Without you both loving me and supporting me I do not think I would have the life I have now. A life full of love and happiness. I will always see mom as the one who loved me, who was patient with me and the one who nurtured me. You, well I will always remember you as the one who gave me swift kick in the pants when I needed it the most and never took my crap. You never physically touched me or ever EVER hurt me - but you knew when to tell me to knock it off and get my head straight again! It's because of you that I learned there was a different way to be - that I had a real chance at a good life.
To be honest though - now I feel guilty. Guilty that maybe I didn't tell you how much I loved you or maybe I didn't tell you enough. See when I love someone I love them with my whole heart and hold them there forever. However I am not one to be on your doorstep asking to visit a lot nor am I on the phone all the time telling you about my life and you have influenced it. I am a bit of a gypsy and though I prize the people in my world; I do not see a need to always be shouting it from the rooftops or veering off course to make time for lunch. So for that I apologize - not for who I am but for the fact that if I may not have told you enough or showed you enough just how much you mean to me.
I also feel guilty that you now live in this alter world with your disease and that even though you were able to fix me - I can't fix you or this! I am powerless to stop this disease from destroying you. I can't DO anything to help you. Yet I owe you so much!
Dad there are very few people that I allow to be woven into my fabric called life. You however are and always will be one of the threads that hold me together and when you are gone I will always remain a little frayed.
So please know that I love you. That you are an important person in my life even if you don't remember that life all the time. Remember that you have made a difference not just in my life but in many others. Somehow I hope that you know that even though "your world" has changed - the fact that you are important and loved in "our world" has not.
Hang in there we've got your back - even if you don't know it!
I love you DAD!
K
You will not know who I am today. You will not know anyone in fact - you haven't for a while now. However I needed to write this letter. I needed to tell you somehow just how much you mean to me. I can call you right now and talk to you and say the things I am going to say here - but you won't know why I am telling you this or even remember it in a few hours. So I guess I am hoping that by putting my feelings here - out in the world - somehow cosmically you will feel the love I have wrap around you and hold you awhile and somehow comfort you in that strange world you've found yourself in.
Funny though that I write this letter to you and not my father by blood. See you are not my biological dad, you are not my step dad, heck you are not even my adoptive dad. You are the "dad" I acquired when I married your wonderful son. You and mom took me in when I was 17 years old. At a time when no one else wanted me or could even tolerate me. You and mom looked at me and didn't see a kid with troubles, a kid with anger issues, a kid who wasn't worth dealing with anymore. No you looked at me and knew I could be saved - and save me you did.
I will forever be grateful to you and mom for taking me in - because I believe with my whole heart it saved my life. Without you both loving me and supporting me I do not think I would have the life I have now. A life full of love and happiness. I will always see mom as the one who loved me, who was patient with me and the one who nurtured me. You, well I will always remember you as the one who gave me swift kick in the pants when I needed it the most and never took my crap. You never physically touched me or ever EVER hurt me - but you knew when to tell me to knock it off and get my head straight again! It's because of you that I learned there was a different way to be - that I had a real chance at a good life.
To be honest though - now I feel guilty. Guilty that maybe I didn't tell you how much I loved you or maybe I didn't tell you enough. See when I love someone I love them with my whole heart and hold them there forever. However I am not one to be on your doorstep asking to visit a lot nor am I on the phone all the time telling you about my life and you have influenced it. I am a bit of a gypsy and though I prize the people in my world; I do not see a need to always be shouting it from the rooftops or veering off course to make time for lunch. So for that I apologize - not for who I am but for the fact that if I may not have told you enough or showed you enough just how much you mean to me.
I also feel guilty that you now live in this alter world with your disease and that even though you were able to fix me - I can't fix you or this! I am powerless to stop this disease from destroying you. I can't DO anything to help you. Yet I owe you so much!
Dad there are very few people that I allow to be woven into my fabric called life. You however are and always will be one of the threads that hold me together and when you are gone I will always remain a little frayed.
So please know that I love you. That you are an important person in my life even if you don't remember that life all the time. Remember that you have made a difference not just in my life but in many others. Somehow I hope that you know that even though "your world" has changed - the fact that you are important and loved in "our world" has not.
Hang in there we've got your back - even if you don't know it!
I love you DAD!
K
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