I haven’t written in a while. Not out of laziness or busyness or any of those other excuse we use on a daily basis. I haven’t written out of anger. Every time I sat down to write in my blog about my health, my heart, my soul, my spirit - I became angry. So angry that only venom came to my mind. Only words that were made to be shouted not written would come out of my fingers. I woke up angry, I worked angry, I ate angry and even slept angry.
I was angry at the cards I have been dealt. At the health I have been handed. Angry that no matter how hard I tried I kept turning into this weak and pitiful person who needed help! I just wanted to scream and cry with every breath I had!
So what has changed you ask? It is simple. A state of mind. My health is not any better - in fact I think some days it’s gotten worse. My spiritual journey is in a holding pattern and my heart is the same. What changed was my mind. I woke up one morning and decided I couldn’t - no WOULDN’T live this way any longer. Why do you want to live a life of anger? I took a deep breath and as I breathed out I decided the pity party was over! No more anger, no more crying, no more feeling sorry for myself. Now was a time to live, to fight and to enjoy life!
My husband actually started me down this road about a week before. He is one of those people who will love you deeply while always being honest and upfront with you. When we discussed having leadership pray over me at our church he asked what I wanted. I told him I was tired of praying - tired of wanting - and that I just didn’t know what to pray for anymore. He looked me straight in the eyes and instead of doing what every one else in my life does (which is love me through it - hug me and tell me what I want to hear) he said exactly what I NEEDED to hear while loving me through it. “It’s like the guy in the Bible that was by the healing waters but complaining to Jesus saying he tried to get in but others got there first so he couldn’t be healed. Jesus said to him - GET UP! GET UP AND BE HEALED!.” “Kim - you have to want to be healed - you have to get up!”.
Wow - that hurt. But again I reiterate that is exactly why I love my husband - he loves me deeply even when it comes to telling me the hard stuff I do not want to hear! However, be that as it may, he was right. I was sitting on the sidelines whining about how I couldn’t get better but I wasn’t doing anything.
That brings me back to that morning, that deep breath and that decision to break the pity party up and start living again! Since then I’d love to tell you I am healed and everything is perfect. Unfortunately if I did I would be lying. My health has not gotten any better, in fact today I have no voice and have been sick for days (above and beyond my normal stuff)! Spiritually I am still on hold and well not much has changed.
No I correct that - I have had small wins since then and I think I have been all along - it’s just now I allow myself to see them. I have made it to church a few times after months of not going at all. My doctor was finally able to get the specialist to agree to see me! Most of all, I am now able to look at my family and see love and feel grateful for them in my life instead of worrying about me and my health destroying it!
The moral is simple - life will hand you crap - but if you put on a smile and truly allow yourself to enjoy life - you will be able to push the crap aside and enjoy the little moments that matter the most. So your health isn’t great, so your mind doesn’t work the way it should, so you aren’t “good enough” to enter those pearly gates in heaven - that is not what matters. What matters is you put your feet on the floor each and every day - you take one moment at a time and you allow yourself to bask in the little wins of those moments. The rest - well the rest is like loose change - stick it in a jar and forget about it!
Here’s to simple wins!
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