Friday, October 22, 2010

May be moving to new blog site

If you are following me click the title above and go to my new site.  I will keep putting them on here when Ihave time but eventually will be moving permanently to the new site!

Thanks for your support!

17 and Pregnant...

I am 17.  I just found out I am pregnant.  Do I sleep around? No I don’t.  In fact, I am in a committed relationship with a loving guy who has asked me to be his wife.  He asked me months before I became pregnant, so I know he loves me and not just because I am carrying his child.

Pregnant?  I can’t be pregnant – I am ONLY 17.  I am still in school and I cannot handle this.  I have lived a life of pain and suffering.  I have lived with abuse and dysfunction for 17 years.  I watched my mother die by her own hand.  I have just found a safe place within my fiancés house with his family – a pregnancy would destroy all of this!  I CAN’T BE PREGNANT!

My fiancé is grinning – he is happy we are having a baby.  He is such a loving guy and so ready to take on the world.  How do I break his heart and tell him I do not want this baby? I cry silently because once again I am alone with devastating circumstances and no one to lean on. Why does my life keep being hit over and over again by BAD THINGS?

I have decided – I cannot have this child.  I cannot do this.  I will tell him today… His body, his mind, even his soul is in shock! Abortion?  "We can’t do that" he says.  "It will be fine" he says.  I do not care – I do not believe him and I know I can’t do this.  I’ve already made the appointment.  It will be fine – I don’t want it anyhow so how hard can this be? Sadly he agrees with me.

We are in the clinic now.  Standing there I hear others talk about how many times they have done this.  Some are fine, some are crying.  I, on the other hand, have no feelings.  None.  I look over and he looks so scared.  It doesn’t matter  - we are too young – it has to be this way. I have decided - no backing out now.  It's too late we are here.

I go back and am put on a table.  The doctor tells me he is sick of teens getting pregnant and just coming to "take care of it".  He tells me that this is wrong and then proceeds to do the abortion anyhow. His message confuses me. I am awake and have received no medication at all.  The doctor begins – it hurts so bad – I am crying – but the doctor only stares at me uncaring.  He continues to hurt me – I want it to stop. I plead with the nurse - she just stares at me uncaring and tells me to be still.  He is finally done – he shows me the blood and the baby.  He says "Hope you are happy! Get  some juice and go home." The sight of what I just did destroys me! The doctor's actions and words shatter my soul.

I walk out to the lobby – dazed and hurt.  My guy grabs me and holds me so tight.  He is hurt by my decision but stands by me. How did I end up with this guy anyhow?
I spend weeks bleeding and in pain.  So alone and scared.  Finally when I wake up night after night crying out for the baby (believing I can hear the dead child's cries at night), hurting and bleeding... my fiancés caves and tells his family.

Oh God - they can't know!  How could he do this to me?  They will kick me out!  They will stare at me with horror and point at me with shame!  They are Christians they will not tolerate this.  I hid in my room in fear - it won't be long now before I have to pack and figure out where to go!
They are at my door now - crying and sad. They forgive me and hold me.  They tell me they wish they had known for they would have helped us.  They cry with us. They get me to a doctor and help heal me. How can this be?  Why didn't I just go to them in the first place - then it wouldn't hurt so bad now!
No one told me that they couldn’t heal my soul or my heart.  I miss the baby that I didn’t want but now miss with every fiber of my being.  I cry out every night and my arms ache at the emptiness.  I look at my fiance and die a little inside at his heartbreak he shows with every breath he takes.  I begin to wonder why it was so important to not have that child.  What was I thinking?  Why did I make that decision? Why didn't I trust God? Oh that's right, I have turned my back on God - why would He help me now?

Skip to a year later – we are married.  We find out we are pregnant and are joyful.  Then the doctor tells us the child is gone and we have to do a procedure to take the child out.  My life spins back to the time I had an abortion.  I cry – I wanted this baby – why can’t I have this one?  We cry together – we scream together, we hate each other.  I feel like this is due to the original decision not to accept a child from God when we were 17.  He blames me – I can see it in his eyes. Hell I blame me - who am I kidding!  God - please God - oh yea I've turned my back on you - never mind.

Another year – another pregnancy – this one short lived as well.  It hurts – I wonder if God could be punishing me for being so selfish the first time. Of course He's punishing me - I destroyed something He gave me, I turned my back on Him - why would He be here for me now?

We cry, we hurt, we keep dying inside.  We decide we can’t do this again.  We stop trying. Our love for each other will be enough.  God, Oh God, WHY?

Another year later we are pregnant without trying.  First we are excited – but then we remember the other 3 and lose hope. We know God no longer loves us - this child will not be. For the first time in years I pray.  I pray every day, I cry and I apologize to God an beg Him to not turn His back on me and take this child too. I am not sure I believe but I pray anyhow.

Nine months later, I am holding our son in my arms.  The pregnancy wasn't easy but here is this beautiful child - in our arms - alive and well. I know with all my heart -we should never have thought God wouldn’t have taken care of us when we were 17.  That had we only turned to Him we would have been ok.  God wasn't punishing me or us.  He did not punish us by allowing the other babies to leave this earth. God was there all the time - it was me who turned my back.  It was me who didn't trust - who didn't seek...

Looking back – Christian or not- I can tell you that aborting a child has been one of the greatest losses in my life.  That I will never be able to express the loss I felt at that moment, nor will I ever be able to fully understand why I made that decision.  I would say to anyone considering this that no matter your belief please PLEASE think hard before making that decision.  It will follow you for your entire life and once it’s done there is no going back.

You will heal, God will forgive you and people will support you despite your decision but the road from that point on is not easy – so if you can decide to take a different path – then please turn from this intersection and do not even consider this road. I’ve been on it and it’s rocky and dark and dangerous – turn away.  Learn from my pain and know that no matter what it's not God who turned away - He is still there - waiting patiently with open arms.


I looked up into the sky and saw more stars than I had facebook friends. I woke in the morning and watched a sun rise that created beautiful colors in the sky like no artist has ever been able to create. I marveled at the trees that soared above my head regardless of how we poison the ground they grow in. I stood in wonder at the mountains that glistened in the distance. Smiled as the animals graze in the fields and the dew dripped from the gorgeous flowers. I breathe in the air and wonder how did we become so blessed to live in such glory yet so ungrateful and uncaring that we quit noticing it.

How is it we are to worship this awesome God that created all things, that we are to love a God who loves us unfailing yet we cannot even take a moment in our day for Him? We push it off for later or another day. We bargain with ourselves and say – I’ll do it tomorrow – He won’t mind for He sees how busy I am. How is it that we are called to do one thing, and that is follow our Creator, yet we can’t spare a moment to do this?
When did getting coffee, rushing kids to school, hurrying to beat traffic to work and the other busyness of our day take over our main directive? We were called to love yet I can’t remember the last time I saw someone slow down to do just that. To give a moment to the old lady crying in the streets, to help the gentleman struggling to put his groceries in the car or to stop and comfort a mother who seems to be hanging on by a thread. When was the last time we stopped our busy lives to love another?

We, and by we, I mean Christians, go to church on Sundays, attend our fellowships and study groups. We do all the things “modern church” calls us to do. We read the Bible when we have time yet we do not hear what those words are calling us to do. We turn our heads when we see someone in need. Out of meanness or anger? No not usually – usually because we are just so busy with our own things – so busy with busyness that we forgot what we just heard on Sunday in Church or was taught in group or even what we just read in our morning devotion.

Funny Christians are so worried about the government taking the word God out of our money or our pledges. We worry what the atheist is doing to undermine our faith. We question other religions and their rights to spread their beliefs. Though truth be told that is not what is going to harm all the work Christ accomplished in coming and dying for us. Truth be told it will be the busy Christian who does the most harm.

So today, as I breathe in this morning air and look around me at all the wonders our God has provided us (and no that does not include the Mercedes or the luxury homes!). I hope and I pray that God will change my heart. That God will help me see past my busyness and truly live like He asked me to live. That He will forgive me for my ignorance and bless me with knowledge and humbleness. Today I pray God will help me stop being a Christian and help me start being His disciple. I pray that if for only a moment each of you, Christian or not, will receive the same blessing and remember that in all this wonder we are called to live for Him and not busyness.

New Shoes - I am not my mother!

Everything I have done in life has about not repeating the past.  I come from a dysfunctional family who inflicts pain like most people give hugs.  Every breath I take is about not repeating what I saw, what I felt and what I lived with every day of my life until I turned 18.

So, how is it I am finding myself in the same shoes as my mother.  Let me rephrase - not the exact same shoes but I am looking at those shoes and I am definitely thinking they are starting to look like hers.  What is so frustrating is up until now I have been shopping in a totally different store and wearing a totally different look.
I married a wonderful man who has never laid a hand on me or my children - which would be the exact polar opposite of the man my mother married.  I have a well adjusted child who has never experienced pain and suffering life I did growing up.  I love my life and the people I've surrounded myself with.

Now you are reading this going how is she wearing the same shoes?  How could they even look similar to her mom's? Has she lost her mind - or maybe just her perspective?

Looking at this, I know my path has been 100 miles away from my mom's shoe store! However there is just one thing - one tiny thing that I have NO control over - but the one thing that makes me feel like I walked out of my closet and stepped into hers.
I watched Rheumatoid Arthritis destroy my mother along with all the other dysfunction she lived with.  I was so focused on the dysfunction in my life or rather keeping the dysfunction away that I forgot to watch around the corner for the genetic diseases that lurk in our family.  So now I am standing here wondering how could I work so hard on not being my mother but now I am staring at her face in the mirror?

My new goal in mind is to figure out how to fight my AS disease and not let it destroy me like it did my mom.  With that in mind I think I am going to take these shoes off and give them away - I am not her and I do not shop where she shopped.  I am stronger and walking farther to get to a better shoe store will be hard but worth it!

That being said please know that I love my mom with my whole heart and miss her every day.  I think she did the best she could with what she was handed.  However just because I love her doesn't mean I have to live the same life.

Well I am off to find a new store!  I'll be back soon to show you my new shoes!

Contemplating your life...

On an average day my pain level doesn't go below a five, if I eat 1000 calories I am lucky and no I am not complaining - just stating facts.  As you know I have Celiac and AS but along with that recently I've started having new medical issues.  No doctor seems to know what is going on and the latest thing I was told was that I may have tumors in my liver.  "Most likely they are benign" is what I am told.

I just take one day at a time. I have a lot more doctors to see and a lot more "mmm I am just not sure what is causing the pain" to go so I am trying not to freak out or anything.  However yesterday was one of those days that every song, every comment, every thing that happened just makes you contemplate what you are doing with your life and why you are doing it. Especially when my health is in question.

It hit me that one year from now my mom and I will be the same age as when she took her life.  It hit me that I cannot even imagine what life will be like after 39.  Then it hit me the doctors told me I have tumors in my liver - TUMORS!  I know what they said but it sort of freaked me out!  So everything I looked at, everything I thought and everything I did went through analysis.

Simple things like - How could I have lived here for 3 years and never gone down that street that is less than a 1/2 mile from my house? How can I wave at my neighbors everyday and not know their name?

Then I moved on to things like.. The people in my life - are they toxic to me and my life or my greatest supporters?  Do I treat people the best that I can everyday?  If I died tomorrow would someone remember me with a smile or with anger?

Then I started wondering... Have I done anything meaningful with my life? If I was gone tomorrow have I done what God called me to do? Will the people around me be left with something to remember me by besides my material possessions?

After these thoughts hitting me over and over again I came to one conclusion... and when I did I curled up in bed and sobbed.  Literally sobbed.  I am afraid that looking back on my last 37 years I haven't done near what I should have.  That if today was the last breath I would draw then it would be a disappointing sigh.

Sobbing doesn't solve the problem though.  What I can say is that after yesterday my outlook has changed.  I've made decisions I have been toying with for years and I am not going to keep letting life pass me by while I wait for the right time to act.

I can honestly say I do not regret a moment I spent as a mom or a wife.  I feel like I've done exactly what I was suppose to do for both of those roles if not more.  I also know that I am going to spend the rest of my life being the best mom I can be.  I am also going to keep working on our marriage because all the work we've put into this love has paid off and I never want to lose what we have. This part of my life is not sob worthy so I will keep on keeping on.

However personally I feel like there is a lot to do!  I have a lot of decisions to make on career choices, friend choices and most of all figuring out what God is calling me to do.

Today though - I have realized I have to focus on healing.  I have to remember that everyone gets knocked down but it's how fast you get back up and what you do when you are standing again.

Contemplating my life has been life changing - and even if you are in perfect health I would recommend you look at the world for one day as though you weren't.

Dear Dad


You will not know who I am today. You will not know anyone in fact - you haven't for a while now.  However I needed to write this letter.  I needed to tell you somehow just how much you mean to me.  I can call you right now and talk to you and say the things I am going to say here - but you won't know why I am telling you this or even remember it in a few hours.  So I guess I am hoping that by putting my feelings here - out in the world - somehow cosmically you will feel the love I have wrap around you and hold you awhile and somehow comfort you in that strange world you've found yourself in.

Funny though that I write this letter to you and not my father by blood.  See you are not my biological dad, you are not my step dad, heck you are not even my adoptive dad.  You are the "dad" I acquired when I married your wonderful son.  You and mom took me in when I was 17 years old.  At a time when no one else wanted me or could even tolerate me.  You and mom looked at me and didn't see a kid with troubles, a kid with anger issues, a kid who wasn't worth dealing with anymore.  No you looked at me and knew I could be saved - and save me you did.

I will forever be grateful to you and mom for taking me in - because I believe with my whole heart it saved my life.  Without you both loving me and supporting me I do not think I would have the life I have now.  A life full of love and happiness.  I will always see mom as the one who loved me, who was patient with me and the one who nurtured me.  You, well I will always remember you as the one who gave me swift kick in the pants when I needed it the most and never took my crap.  You never physically touched me or ever EVER hurt me - but you knew when to tell me to knock it off and get my head straight again! It's because of you that I learned there was a different way to be - that I had a real chance at a good life.

To be honest though - now I feel guilty.  Guilty that maybe I didn't tell you how much I loved you or maybe I didn't tell you enough.  See when I love someone I love them with my whole heart and hold them there forever.  However I am not one to be on your doorstep asking to visit a lot nor am I on the phone all the time telling you about my life and you have influenced it.  I am a bit of a gypsy and though I prize the people in my world; I do not see a need to always be shouting it from the rooftops or veering off course to make time for lunch.  So for that I apologize - not for who I am but for the fact that if I may not have told you enough or showed you enough just how much you mean to me.

I also feel guilty that you now live in this alter world with your disease and that even though you were able to fix me - I can't fix you or this! I am powerless to stop this disease from destroying you.  I can't DO anything to help you.  Yet I owe you so much!
Dad there are very few people that I allow to be woven into my fabric called life.  You however are and always will be one of the threads that hold me together and when you are gone I will always remain a little frayed.

So please know that I love you.  That you are an important person in my life even if you don't remember that life all the time.  Remember that you have made a difference not just in my life but in many others.  Somehow I hope that you know that even though "your world" has changed - the fact that you are important and loved in "our world" has not.

Hang in there we've got your back - even if you don't know it!

I love you DAD!

How do you respond to that?

A little over a year ago I started a blog on about getting healthy.  It sounded easy.  I would blog about my progress and just watch myself get better and better.  However a year later, I think I'm further behind than when I started.  I have had good days and bad days.  Lately it's been more bad than good.

About two months ago I started having problems again and wasn't able to eat or handle much at all.  I waiting about three weeks before going to a doctor.  My doctor was stumped so she sent me to my GI doctor.  He too looked puzzled and said he wasn't sure but thought it might be my liver swelling and my body not healing.

So then I took a trip to my nutritionist who put me back on a soft diet for a few weeks and said that I just needed time to heal.  I was following her diet to the tee and seemed to be doing better.  She told me after 2 weeks I could introduce one item to my diet every two days until I could tolerate food again.

Last night was my first day of reintroducing foods.  Let me just say it didn't go as planned.  I literally ate one bite of meat and then spent the remainder of the night in pain and trying not to cry.  So it's back to soft foods for me - the introduction wasn't a good idea yet.

I guess you are wondering what all of this has to do with my title....well let me tell you.  Today my husband and I got a little snippy with each other and started to argue which is pretty rare for us.  So in the middle of this stupid argument my husband throws the bomb out there.  "Look I'm stressed and I hate you being sick.  I have always seen us together growing old together and lately I just don't see that anymore.  I feel like I am going to lose you and you won't be here to grow old with me".

The question now is what do you say to that.  To the person who is my rock, who is my earth angel and the one I count on to be strong? How do I reassure him when even I don't have that answer.  What if I am not here later in life?  What if something serious is wrong and the doctors are just missing it?

I want to watch my baby grow up and have his own babies.  I want to sit with my husband when we are old and watch our family.  I want to live a life I never got to see my mom live....
So how do your respond to that?