Friday, October 22, 2010

Dear Dad


You will not know who I am today. You will not know anyone in fact - you haven't for a while now.  However I needed to write this letter.  I needed to tell you somehow just how much you mean to me.  I can call you right now and talk to you and say the things I am going to say here - but you won't know why I am telling you this or even remember it in a few hours.  So I guess I am hoping that by putting my feelings here - out in the world - somehow cosmically you will feel the love I have wrap around you and hold you awhile and somehow comfort you in that strange world you've found yourself in.

Funny though that I write this letter to you and not my father by blood.  See you are not my biological dad, you are not my step dad, heck you are not even my adoptive dad.  You are the "dad" I acquired when I married your wonderful son.  You and mom took me in when I was 17 years old.  At a time when no one else wanted me or could even tolerate me.  You and mom looked at me and didn't see a kid with troubles, a kid with anger issues, a kid who wasn't worth dealing with anymore.  No you looked at me and knew I could be saved - and save me you did.

I will forever be grateful to you and mom for taking me in - because I believe with my whole heart it saved my life.  Without you both loving me and supporting me I do not think I would have the life I have now.  A life full of love and happiness.  I will always see mom as the one who loved me, who was patient with me and the one who nurtured me.  You, well I will always remember you as the one who gave me swift kick in the pants when I needed it the most and never took my crap.  You never physically touched me or ever EVER hurt me - but you knew when to tell me to knock it off and get my head straight again! It's because of you that I learned there was a different way to be - that I had a real chance at a good life.

To be honest though - now I feel guilty.  Guilty that maybe I didn't tell you how much I loved you or maybe I didn't tell you enough.  See when I love someone I love them with my whole heart and hold them there forever.  However I am not one to be on your doorstep asking to visit a lot nor am I on the phone all the time telling you about my life and you have influenced it.  I am a bit of a gypsy and though I prize the people in my world; I do not see a need to always be shouting it from the rooftops or veering off course to make time for lunch.  So for that I apologize - not for who I am but for the fact that if I may not have told you enough or showed you enough just how much you mean to me.

I also feel guilty that you now live in this alter world with your disease and that even though you were able to fix me - I can't fix you or this! I am powerless to stop this disease from destroying you.  I can't DO anything to help you.  Yet I owe you so much!
Dad there are very few people that I allow to be woven into my fabric called life.  You however are and always will be one of the threads that hold me together and when you are gone I will always remain a little frayed.

So please know that I love you.  That you are an important person in my life even if you don't remember that life all the time.  Remember that you have made a difference not just in my life but in many others.  Somehow I hope that you know that even though "your world" has changed - the fact that you are important and loved in "our world" has not.

Hang in there we've got your back - even if you don't know it!

I love you DAD!

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