Friday, October 22, 2010

New Shoes - I am not my mother!

Everything I have done in life has about not repeating the past.  I come from a dysfunctional family who inflicts pain like most people give hugs.  Every breath I take is about not repeating what I saw, what I felt and what I lived with every day of my life until I turned 18.

So, how is it I am finding myself in the same shoes as my mother.  Let me rephrase - not the exact same shoes but I am looking at those shoes and I am definitely thinking they are starting to look like hers.  What is so frustrating is up until now I have been shopping in a totally different store and wearing a totally different look.
I married a wonderful man who has never laid a hand on me or my children - which would be the exact polar opposite of the man my mother married.  I have a well adjusted child who has never experienced pain and suffering life I did growing up.  I love my life and the people I've surrounded myself with.

Now you are reading this going how is she wearing the same shoes?  How could they even look similar to her mom's? Has she lost her mind - or maybe just her perspective?

Looking at this, I know my path has been 100 miles away from my mom's shoe store! However there is just one thing - one tiny thing that I have NO control over - but the one thing that makes me feel like I walked out of my closet and stepped into hers.
I watched Rheumatoid Arthritis destroy my mother along with all the other dysfunction she lived with.  I was so focused on the dysfunction in my life or rather keeping the dysfunction away that I forgot to watch around the corner for the genetic diseases that lurk in our family.  So now I am standing here wondering how could I work so hard on not being my mother but now I am staring at her face in the mirror?

My new goal in mind is to figure out how to fight my AS disease and not let it destroy me like it did my mom.  With that in mind I think I am going to take these shoes off and give them away - I am not her and I do not shop where she shopped.  I am stronger and walking farther to get to a better shoe store will be hard but worth it!

That being said please know that I love my mom with my whole heart and miss her every day.  I think she did the best she could with what she was handed.  However just because I love her doesn't mean I have to live the same life.

Well I am off to find a new store!  I'll be back soon to show you my new shoes!

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