Friday, October 22, 2010
I am 17. I just found out I am pregnant. Do I sleep around? No I don’t. In fact, I am in a committed relationship with a loving guy who has asked me to be his wife. He asked me months before I became pregnant, so I know he loves me and not just because I am carrying his child.
Pregnant? I can’t be pregnant – I am ONLY 17. I am still in school and I cannot handle this. I have lived a life of pain and suffering. I have lived with abuse and dysfunction for 17 years. I watched my mother die by her own hand. I have just found a safe place within my fiancés house with his family – a pregnancy would destroy all of this! I CAN’T BE PREGNANT!
My fiancé is grinning – he is happy we are having a baby. He is such a loving guy and so ready to take on the world. How do I break his heart and tell him I do not want this baby? I cry silently because once again I am alone with devastating circumstances and no one to lean on. Why does my life keep being hit over and over again by BAD THINGS?
I have decided – I cannot have this child. I cannot do this. I will tell him today… His body, his mind, even his soul is in shock! Abortion? "We can’t do that" he says. "It will be fine" he says. I do not care – I do not believe him and I know I can’t do this. I’ve already made the appointment. It will be fine – I don’t want it anyhow so how hard can this be? Sadly he agrees with me.
We are in the clinic now. Standing there I hear others talk about how many times they have done this. Some are fine, some are crying. I, on the other hand, have no feelings. None. I look over and he looks so scared. It doesn’t matter - we are too young – it has to be this way. I have decided - no backing out now. It's too late we are here.
I go back and am put on a table. The doctor tells me he is sick of teens getting pregnant and just coming to "take care of it". He tells me that this is wrong and then proceeds to do the abortion anyhow. His message confuses me. I am awake and have received no medication at all. The doctor begins – it hurts so bad – I am crying – but the doctor only stares at me uncaring. He continues to hurt me – I want it to stop. I plead with the nurse - she just stares at me uncaring and tells me to be still. He is finally done – he shows me the blood and the baby. He says "Hope you are happy! Get some juice and go home." The sight of what I just did destroys me! The doctor's actions and words shatter my soul.
I walk out to the lobby – dazed and hurt. My guy grabs me and holds me so tight. He is hurt by my decision but stands by me. How did I end up with this guy anyhow?
I spend weeks bleeding and in pain. So alone and scared. Finally when I wake up night after night crying out for the baby (believing I can hear the dead child's cries at night), hurting and bleeding... my fiancés caves and tells his family.
Oh God - they can't know! How could he do this to me? They will kick me out! They will stare at me with horror and point at me with shame! They are Christians they will not tolerate this. I hid in my room in fear - it won't be long now before I have to pack and figure out where to go!
They are at my door now - crying and sad. They forgive me and hold me. They tell me they wish they had known for they would have helped us. They cry with us. They get me to a doctor and help heal me. How can this be? Why didn't I just go to them in the first place - then it wouldn't hurt so bad now!
No one told me that they couldn’t heal my soul or my heart. I miss the baby that I didn’t want but now miss with every fiber of my being. I cry out every night and my arms ache at the emptiness. I look at my fiance and die a little inside at his heartbreak he shows with every breath he takes. I begin to wonder why it was so important to not have that child. What was I thinking? Why did I make that decision? Why didn't I trust God? Oh that's right, I have turned my back on God - why would He help me now?
Skip to a year later – we are married. We find out we are pregnant and are joyful. Then the doctor tells us the child is gone and we have to do a procedure to take the child out. My life spins back to the time I had an abortion. I cry – I wanted this baby – why can’t I have this one? We cry together – we scream together, we hate each other. I feel like this is due to the original decision not to accept a child from God when we were 17. He blames me – I can see it in his eyes. Hell I blame me - who am I kidding! God - please God - oh yea I've turned my back on you - never mind.
Another year – another pregnancy – this one short lived as well. It hurts – I wonder if God could be punishing me for being so selfish the first time. Of course He's punishing me - I destroyed something He gave me, I turned my back on Him - why would He be here for me now?
We cry, we hurt, we keep dying inside. We decide we can’t do this again. We stop trying. Our love for each other will be enough. God, Oh God, WHY?
Another year later we are pregnant without trying. First we are excited – but then we remember the other 3 and lose hope. We know God no longer loves us - this child will not be. For the first time in years I pray. I pray every day, I cry and I apologize to God an beg Him to not turn His back on me and take this child too. I am not sure I believe but I pray anyhow.
Nine months later, I am holding our son in my arms. The pregnancy wasn't easy but here is this beautiful child - in our arms - alive and well. I know with all my heart -we should never have thought God wouldn’t have taken care of us when we were 17. That had we only turned to Him we would have been ok. God wasn't punishing me or us. He did not punish us by allowing the other babies to leave this earth. God was there all the time - it was me who turned my back. It was me who didn't trust - who didn't seek...
Looking back – Christian or not- I can tell you that aborting a child has been one of the greatest losses in my life. That I will never be able to express the loss I felt at that moment, nor will I ever be able to fully understand why I made that decision. I would say to anyone considering this that no matter your belief please PLEASE think hard before making that decision. It will follow you for your entire life and once it’s done there is no going back.
You will heal, God will forgive you and people will support you despite your decision but the road from that point on is not easy – so if you can decide to take a different path – then please turn from this intersection and do not even consider this road. I’ve been on it and it’s rocky and dark and dangerous – turn away. Learn from my pain and know that no matter what it's not God who turned away - He is still there - waiting patiently with open arms.