Friday, October 22, 2010

Contemplating your life...

On an average day my pain level doesn't go below a five, if I eat 1000 calories I am lucky and no I am not complaining - just stating facts.  As you know I have Celiac and AS but along with that recently I've started having new medical issues.  No doctor seems to know what is going on and the latest thing I was told was that I may have tumors in my liver.  "Most likely they are benign" is what I am told.

I just take one day at a time. I have a lot more doctors to see and a lot more "mmm I am just not sure what is causing the pain" to go so I am trying not to freak out or anything.  However yesterday was one of those days that every song, every comment, every thing that happened just makes you contemplate what you are doing with your life and why you are doing it. Especially when my health is in question.

It hit me that one year from now my mom and I will be the same age as when she took her life.  It hit me that I cannot even imagine what life will be like after 39.  Then it hit me the doctors told me I have tumors in my liver - TUMORS!  I know what they said but it sort of freaked me out!  So everything I looked at, everything I thought and everything I did went through analysis.

Simple things like - How could I have lived here for 3 years and never gone down that street that is less than a 1/2 mile from my house? How can I wave at my neighbors everyday and not know their name?

Then I moved on to things like.. The people in my life - are they toxic to me and my life or my greatest supporters?  Do I treat people the best that I can everyday?  If I died tomorrow would someone remember me with a smile or with anger?

Then I started wondering... Have I done anything meaningful with my life? If I was gone tomorrow have I done what God called me to do? Will the people around me be left with something to remember me by besides my material possessions?

After these thoughts hitting me over and over again I came to one conclusion... and when I did I curled up in bed and sobbed.  Literally sobbed.  I am afraid that looking back on my last 37 years I haven't done near what I should have.  That if today was the last breath I would draw then it would be a disappointing sigh.

Sobbing doesn't solve the problem though.  What I can say is that after yesterday my outlook has changed.  I've made decisions I have been toying with for years and I am not going to keep letting life pass me by while I wait for the right time to act.

I can honestly say I do not regret a moment I spent as a mom or a wife.  I feel like I've done exactly what I was suppose to do for both of those roles if not more.  I also know that I am going to spend the rest of my life being the best mom I can be.  I am also going to keep working on our marriage because all the work we've put into this love has paid off and I never want to lose what we have. This part of my life is not sob worthy so I will keep on keeping on.

However personally I feel like there is a lot to do!  I have a lot of decisions to make on career choices, friend choices and most of all figuring out what God is calling me to do.

Today though - I have realized I have to focus on healing.  I have to remember that everyone gets knocked down but it's how fast you get back up and what you do when you are standing again.

Contemplating my life has been life changing - and even if you are in perfect health I would recommend you look at the world for one day as though you weren't.

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